Patriotic Clowns

Are there more oppressed or ridiculed members of society than right wing Hollywood players? I'm sure there might be a few, but if so, their ability to publicly make their sad case is decidedly insufficient. Not so the Hollywood right. Yes, their love for George W. Bush and John McCain brands them in an unforgiving town. But somehow, they are able to make ends meet, while effectively transmitting their dissident message to the outside world.

One of these samizdat transmissions, "An American Carol," will soon be on some 2,000 American movie screens. Directed by David Zucker, the film, from what I've seen, is an attack on Michael Moore, who is haunted into worshipping the flag, allowing his inner-nationalist to boldly, proudly emerge. Zucker wanted Dan Whitney to play Moore, and I'm sorry this didn't happen. That would've recommended the film right there, as anyone who's watched Whitney in "Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector" could tell you. Instead, Zucker settled for Kevin Farley, brother of Chris, who, based on the clips available, is essentially doing his late brother's shtick. Good thing that "An American Carol" is a comedy, or this casting might've been disastrous. The plot itself sounds inspired. Jon Voight as George Washington; Kelsey Grammer as George Patton, the ghosts of whom push Moore toward patriotism.

"When George Washington takes [Moore] to the World Trade Center," right after 9/11, says Grammer, "it made me cry."

Finally, some decent satire in American film.

How well will "An American Carol" do? It looks dopey enough to rake in some serious dough, especially from those white men and women who feel stifled by Political Correctness. Cultural self-pity usually sells, if marketed shrewdly. Too bad Zucker's film was made before Josh Howard displayed his hatred of the National Anthem. In a recently released video, shot at a charity event over the summer, the Dallas Mavericks star quipped, "'The Star-Spangled Banner' is going on. I don't celebrate this shit. I'm black."

Oh man, how sweet would it be to see Jon Voight's Washington, a slave owner, rub Howard's face in the rubble at Ground Zero, giving him a lesson in proper white manners? "I'ze sees it now, Massuh George!" Howard could reply, his tattered slave clothing morphing into top hat and tails. "I'ze gots so much freedoms in my feets, I'ze just gots t'dance!" Old Glory rises above the wreckage as Howard performs an inspired tap routine, with Washington smiling and clapping in time.

"A laugh out loud comedy that makes you proud to be an American," raves Michael Medved. Kelsey Grammer adds, "When the disrespectful slave becomes a patriotic tap dancer, it made me cry."

In the director's cut, Abe Lincoln (Tom Selleck) kicks off a star spangled rave, playing twin turntables as the spirits of the 9/11 dead dance their way into Heaven, where God (Arnold Schwarzenegger) high-fives and chest bumps each upon entry. Meanwhile, the Muslim hijackers (various Arab and Latino actors thankful to get any paying job) are sent straight to Hell, as Satan (Adam Sandler, in a nod to his film "Little Nicky") prepares a post-life feast of roast pork and cheap whiskey, served by leather-masked gay men with AIDS.

Who says conservatives aren't funny? Can't wait for the DVD.