Funny Like Me

As I prepare for another week of stage diving in NYC, I feel a spiritual need to share whatever comedy wisdom I've acquired over the years. Three things to remember:

1) This is not a complete list. That would take more thought and work, and I simply can't spare the energy, what with my new stage persona where I fly over the audience on wires. I thought this direction would be easier than it is, but it's not. Sore armpits are the least of it.

2) This is not to be taken literally. If a budding comic follows any or all of my suggestions, I'm not legally responsible for the results -- unless they're financially lucrative. Then I'll want my cut, and if necessary, will strip you of all assets to get it. You'll be ruined. Is 37 percent worth so much pain?

3) Have fun! We're here to entertain!

WHAT'S A GOOD OPENING LINE?

Most comics ask the audience how they are, if they're in a good mood, etc. This surrenders your power from the get-go. The audience should be your comedy slave, and they need to be reminded of this first thing. Look for the weakest person near the stage, then hit them in the head with the mike. This establishes who's on top. If you misjudge and the so-called "weakest" person is a hockey player, bodyguard, or drunk Marine, then hit yourself with the mike. It stings, but it's better than having your teeth knocked out.

DO SEX JOKES REALLY WORK?

Oh god yes. No matter how "conceptual" or "elevated" one's act, jokes about masturbation, anal sex, ass-to-mouth, barely-legal group action and lactating MILFs are your ace in the hole, so to speak. At the first sign of audience boredom or indifference, whip these out. They don't even have to be that funny. Crudeness has its own comedy logic.

IS PROFANITY REALLY NECESSARY?

How can you tell jizz jokes without profanity? Didn't you read what I just said? Fucking pay attention!

WHAT ABOUT POLITICAL HUMOR?

Well, what about it? You're gonna have to be more specific than that.

IN A DE-POLITICIZED CULTURE, ARE THERE ENOUGH SHARED ASSUMPTIONS FOR SATIRE AND SOCIAL COMMENTARY TO JUSTIFY A BIT ABOUT, SAY THE CRUEL LENDING POLICIES OF THE IMF?

Whoa! Dial it back, professor! Who are you -- Campbell Brown?

DO PEOPLE GET POLITICAL JOKES?

If by "political" you mean farting, then yes, people get political jokes.

I'M GETTING THE IMPRESSION YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.

Hey, you came to me! You don't like my advice, fine! Go bother some ventriloquist.

MAYBE I WILL!

Good! See if I fucking care!

ASSHOLE!

Jerk off!

FUCK YOU!

Eat me.

This should get you started! Good luck and remember, laughter and the ability to carry ten times our own weight are what separate us from ants. Have a great set!