Perrin's Index

Actual amount of British Petroleum's $20 billion compensation fund that will go to victims of the oil spill: $7,636

Estimated amount of BP's $20 billion that will be used to sway elected officials: $222 million

Percentage of Americans who think the oil spill can be cleaned up with elbow grease: 89

Percentage of Americans upset about the oil spill, but go about their days figuring what's the point: 99

Estimated final pullout date for US troops in Afghanistan: April 29, 2075

Minimum number of dead Afghan civilians that count as collateral errors: 8

Minutes per hour US troops suppress hatred of Afghans: 23

Number of wild dogs establishing loose hierarchies in abandoned strip malls: 1,820

Chance that you'll strike it rich through a cosmic anomaly: 1 in 9 trillion

Chance that your breakfast burrito contains fecal matter: 1 in 3

Percentage of high school students who would seek elected office for the sex: 78

Percentage of college students who would kill a loved one in exchange for a high-paying career after graduation: 84

Odds that you've killed someone, but just don't remember: 10:1

Number of Americans since 2006 hospitalized after hammering nails with their foreheads: 592

Number of times since taking office Barack Obama has excused himself to go to the bathroom in order to privately weep: 14

Percentage of male NFL fans who fellate other men while intoxicated: 27

Percentage of male Dallas Cowboy fans who do this: 63

Estimated age when Miley Cyrus leaves the public eye for good: 50

Chance that Lady Gaga will die from an alligator attack: 3 in 32

Chance that a real planet of the apes will eventually appear: 5 in 70,000

Percentage of these apes possessing cybernetic features: 18

Odds that God made grasshoppers in his image: 40:1

Minutes per day Americans consider wearing a cape: 2

Chance that American exceptionalism will die peacefully: 0