Thursday, June 5, 2008

And How Was Your Morning?

Your humble correspondent is happy to be tapping this at his cluttered desk, rather than texting it in from the emergency room. Earlier this morning, while driving the fine Michigan streets that are the envy of Ozark gravel road riders, I nearly bought it. Sitting at a red light, blasting Rob Zombie's "Dragula," enjoying my caffeine high, I felt some contentment. I do most mornings, before the day's shit wind whips up and blows its fecal horror in my face. That usually doesn't occur until afternoon, after I've run errands and mixed with some of the local population. I'm a people-person, as you know.

But today the shit wind arrived early.

When the light flashed green, I began my left turn onto the road home, when I suddenly saw a big red rusting van speeding to my left, running the red light and barreling right on top of me. I tried to pull around quickly, but this fucking moron steered in the same direction, so I was stuck. I slammed my brakes and waited for the collision. The van driver, now noticing that my car was right in front of her, slammed her brakes as well, skidding to a halt maybe two to three feet from my door. There was a brief pause. The woman's slack jaw dropped, astonishment on her face. Her rather fat male traveling companion stared at me with glazed confusion. Since our windows were down, and we were right next to each other, I calmly asked her, "WHAT THE FUCK?!!" She shrugged her shoulders while her partner pushed a fast food breakfast sandwich into his gaping hole. Then she drove off.

Had that asshole not stopped, her van would've plowed right through my driver's side door, and who knows what shape I'd be in, or even if I'd be alive.

God, I hate Michigan.

Yes, there are bad drivers everywhere, but as I've written in the past, Michigan drivers are the fucking worst I've ever seen. And with the state economy at the bottom of the broken toilet, a lot of locals are angry, bitter, mean, their fuses increasingly short, their manners nonexistent. Michiganders aren't the friendliest people to begin with; take away their jobs, gouge them at the pump, make their SUVs and Hummers essentially useless, and their de-evolution accelerates. The Red Wings winning the Stanley Cup will ease some of their pain for a few days, but it won't last. Still, I try to remain optimistic, especially with Obama ready to re-make America into a shining beacon of (fill-in-your-fantasy-blank). Maybe I'll live to see it.