America Wants To Know

The three remaining presidential candidates (okay, actually two, but the third fading one kept bugging and trying to shame us into including her, phoning us at all hours, and who needs that headache) were asked about their reactions to the devastating earthquake that rocked China and killed over ten thousand people.

JOHN McCAIN: It's a tragedy, obviously. But you must remember that the gook doesn't feel pain the way we do. Those rice eaters are so used to misery that what would cripple you and me only makes the gooks smile and ask for more. Plus, ten thousand dead isn't so bad in a country of one billion. More Americans die annually from electric eel shocks than Chinks do from earthquakes, so if anything, Americans are the real victims of this catastrophe. And as president, I'll cut down on electric eel attacks in our waters.

BARACK OBAMA: From its Great Wall to its rich tradition of philosophical wisdom, China has shown over the centuries the spirit and determination that makes great nations greater, its people hard working and humble, its cuisine embraced and consumed by millions worldwide. However, let this earthquake be a reminder that no nation is greater than God's will, and that China's currency manipulation and domestic subsidies gives it an unfair trade advantage and has led to U.S. job losses. As president, I will build upon this earthquake to increase tariffs on Chinese goods, and push the Chinese toward voluntary reform -- once they dig out, that is.

HILLARY CLINTON: This earthquake is a lot like Senator Obama's campaign -- selfish, vain, elitist, and out of touch with hard working white Americans. The news reports tell us that over ten thousand Chinese citizens have died, but if Senator Obama were president, that death toll would easily be tripled. I am the only candidate with serious foreign earthquake experience. I know how to assess Richter scale numbers and will keep up to the minute with revised body counts and estimates. That's what hard working white Americans, and those black people who for whatever reason still support me, want and deserve in their president, which I already am, and have been for some time.