Wednesday, October 24, 2007

All The Children Are Insane

Fire continues to spread across Southern California, prompting residents and concerned onlookers to plead with President Bush for some kind of help.

But the president remained firm.

"We cannot stop these fires and just go home," Bush told a gathering of confused reporters. "These fires must stay the course until their job is finished. Do I mourn the extensive property damage, the personal misery, the half million residents forced to flee their homes? Of course I do. I pray for them every 10 minutes. But God has a bigger plan, and this administration will not stand in the Lord's way."

President Bush then looked upward and began speaking in tongues. The Secret Service ushered him from the room as the reporters stared at each other in stunned silence.

Turkey shelled Kurdish rebel positions in northern Iraq yesterday, according to a Turkish government official. This came in retaliation for a rebel ambush on Sunday, which killed 12 Turkish soldiers and led to the capture of eight others. Secretary of State Rice deplored Turkey's action, saying that it violates U.S. sovereignty in the region. "If the government of Turkey wants to bomb someone," Rice said, "do a sister a favor and hit Iran already. Wait -- did I say that or think that? Umm, excuse me, I have a very important meeting I forgot about until just now. Yes, very important, high profile . . ."

The U.S. government's terrorist watch list has swelled to more than 755,000 names, according to the Government Accountability Office. While critics say that the massive number of names is suspect and could undermine legitimate anti-terror operations, some think the list isn't long enough. Republican presidential hopeful Rudolph Giuliani boasted that he could name at least a million terrorist suspects "off the top of my head," then proceeded to do just that for his staff and reporters covering his campaign. "Let's see, there's Abu Assan, a mechanic in Queens, then this guy Foogie from White Plains, who looked at me funny a few years ago, and then there's, oh, what's his name, Khalid, Kassar, I can't quite remember, but he's really sick and wears a soiled turban, so he's on the list . . ." Giuliani continued for nine hours, occasionally phoning his wife for more names.

The Congressional Budget Office estimates that the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan could total $2.4 trillion over the next decade, some $8,000 per man, woman, and child in the country. Rep. Rahm Emanuel, a Democrat from Illinois, said that the "number is so big, it boggles the mind. But, what the hell, we'll authorize it anyway." Emanuel added that in order to make sure that American children contribute their fair share, some child labor laws may be relaxed until "the war is won, or the kid turns 18, in which case he or she can enlist in the military, or whatever."

In a surprise move that has the magazine world reeling, John Podhoretz will become the new editor of Commentary, the right-wing Israeli publication based in New York. Podhoretz's father, Norman, ran Commentary for 35 years, retiring from his post in 1995, so the selection of the younger Podhoretz came as a complete surprise. "It's almost as stunning as when Christie Hefner took over Playboy," confessed a family friend who vigorously insisted on anonymity. "John's the Ivanka Trump of neoconservatism," said another friend, hiding her face with a big brown shopping bag. "I know he's looking forward to engaging Commentary's 23 loyal readers."