A suspicious looking SUV idled in a Midwestern mall parking lot yesterday, its driver supposedly dashing briefly inside to get cash from an ATM. Several onlookers gasped and held their breath, hoping to run past the terrormobile before it exploded. Local police were called in, and they carefully approached the ticking time bomb on wheels, risking their lives for the sake of public, and national, safety. The driver then emerged from the bank, stuffing cash in his wallet. He casually walked to his car/weapon, said hello to the police, got in and drove off, presumably to blow up a more populated target. The police cleared the area, checked a small oil puddle where the SUV had been, then declared the mall lot to be safe.
"It was nip and tuck there for a few minutes," said Captain Carl Beerson. "You can't be too careful these days."
In a related story, federal agents have been keeping a close eye on Citgo stations throughout the country, searching for any detectible signs of terrorist activity.
"You must remember, Citgo is owned by the Venezuelan government, which is currently held hostage by an anti-American madman," explained FBI spokesperson Celia Graves. "It's clear that the Chavez regime is planning something big, and their gas stations are the logical starting point for any terrorist bombing spree."
What precisely is the FBI looking for?
"SUVs or Humvees getting filled-up," said Graves."That costs a lot of money, which many people simply don't have, so some foreign financing is obviously taking place. Do you know what a Humvee with a full tank of gas can do to a business area or an airport entrance? The Glasgow airport explosion was just the beginning. And if you own a Jeep Cherokee, keep it in your garage, or face the full penalty of the law."
Afghanistan's Independent Human Rights Commission reports that U.S.-led air strikes have killed more Afghan civilians recently than have the Taliban. Air Force Gen. Rick Westen conceded that this might be true, but said that the disparity in body counts must be taken in context.
"We're using cluster bombs, while the Taliban are still shooting people in the back of the head, so obviously we're way out in front. But when it's all said and done, who would you rather be killed by: Religious fanatics who ban music? Or democracy-loving pilots who watch HBO? I think the choice is clear."
Weeks after Ali Hassan al-Majid, better known as Chemical Ali, was convicted for genocide against the Kurds in northern Iraq, his cousin, Ali Yassin al-Majid, has also been charged with war crimes. The younger al-Majid earned the nickname Comical Ali for his cruel but accurate impressions of Saddam's political enemies, and was known to play numerous practical jokes on political prisoners sentenced to die or be tortured.
"Comical Ali's sense of humor was very dark," said terror expert Lance Kerr. "He performed nightly in Abu Ghraib, and poked his microphone into the open wounds of prisoners, staging what he called 'screaming contests.' He was the Ba'athist Don Rickles, and the only man in Iraq who could throw zingers at Saddam and not be executed. Saddam loved the guy's act."
Comical Ali is sentenced to have a pink lapel carnation spray sulfuric acid in his face.