Kids Today

"I gave the Army my cell number."

"You did what?!"

"Gave the Army my number."

"Why the fuck did you do that?"

"I'm fascinated with them. I want to talk to them."

"About what?"

"The war. I wanna see what a recruiter will say about it."

"You're only 16."

"So?"

"I mean, seriously -- what the fuck do you think the recruiter's gonna say?"

"I dunno."

"He's going to lie to you. Tell you the most fantastic shit. Do anything he can to get you hooked."

"That won't happen. I'm not gonna join."

"You'd be insane if you did."

"Besides, if I talk to them, I get a free Army hat."

"Is that all you want -- a hat? Hell, let's go down to the Army surplus store and I'll buy you one."

"Naw. I really want to talk to a recruiter."

"This is bullshit. Do you know that once you're in boot camp, one of the main marching and running chants is 'My recruiter screwed me too!'? Military recruiters are paid liars for an imperialist system. Especially now."

"Well, I want to see how good they lie."

"If that's the case, just go to the Army's website and watch their propaganda films and read their bullshit. Then you get your fill with no damage done."

"What do you mean 'damage'?"

"Look, I don't want the Army coming to the house, sniffing around for what they think is some naïve kid. I gave them six years of my life, and that's it. I want nothing else to do with them."

"Why are you afraid of them?"

"I'm not afraid. I just don't want them in my life. When you're 18-19 and living on your own, you can hang with whoever you want. Hell, have all four branches over for Yahtzee, for all I care."

"I don't see the problem here."

"Of course you don't. This is a game to you. You think it's funny. But it's not a game to them, and if they think they have someone they can reel in a year or two from now, they'll do and say whatever they can to put you in uniform and send you to the Middle East. They need fresh bodies for their war, which is not gonna end anytime soon. Plus, I don't want your brother exposed to them, either."

"But he's only 11."

"Yeah, and looks 14, and is as tall as many adults already. No chance. No fucking way."

"Jesus, you're so fucking angry about this."

"Because I've been in uniform and know what I'm talking about! You have no idea what you're messing with."

"All right! Okay! I get it! Just drop it!"

"You hungry?"

"Yeah. How 'bout KFC?"

"Good God. Are you aware of how their chickens are raised?"

"Jeez -- here we go . . ."