The Meager Food For Souls Forgot

President Bush ordered new U.S. economic sanctions to pressure Sudan's government to halt the bloodshed in Darfur. "For too long the people of Darfur have suffered at the hands of a government that is complicit in the bombing, murder and rape of innocent civilians," the president said. "My administration has called these actions by their rightful name: U.S. foreign policy."

Liberals who hoped that President Bush would take tougher action against Sudan, felt let down by the announcement. Said Ted Simonson, a Hillary Clinton supporter, "Look -- we're not asking for a full scale invasion here. But would it kill the guy to use a few cruise missiles and cluster bombs? Something?"

The United States and Iran traded accusations Monday about responsibility for violence in Iraq, but agreed that the goal there should be a stable, democratic country at peace with its neighbors. And if that's not possible, both sides said they'd accept an oil producing hell on earth.

U.S. Ambassador Ryan Crocker told the Iranians they had to stop arming, funding and training Shiite militants. "We can do that ourselves," said Crocker. "We don't need to farm this out."

Ten American soldiers were killed in Iraq on Monday as Americans back home observed Memorial Day. "I appreciate their sacrifice," said Corban Brett of Salt Lake City, Utah, "but I'm really angry that the Spurs beat the Jazz. I don't know if I'll ever get over that."

Iraqis also observe Memorial Day -- seven days a week, 365 days a year. "We don't have cookouts like the Americans," said Jassim al-Ali of Baghdad, "but you'd be amazed how much meat a burning car can grill in an hour."

The U.S. federal government recorded a $1.3 trillion loss last year — far more than the official $248 billion deficit — when corporate-style accounting standards are used. "We're on an unsustainable path and doing a great disservice to future generations," says Chris Chocola, a former Republican member of Congress from Indiana. With the government marginalizing, spying on, and stealing from its citizens at home, and waging wars and military maneuvers overseas, Chocola said that in order to make ends meet, the U.S. may have to take a third job.

Cindy Sheehan has resigned as the "face" of the anti-war movement. "I was the darling of the so-called left as long as I limited my protests to George Bush and the Republican Party," said Sheehan, adding that liberals began attacking her as well when she "started to hold the Democratic Party to the same standards that I held the Republican Party." Liberal blogging mastermind Markos Moulitsas of Daily Kos said he was sorry that Sheehan felt that way, but conceded, "We still have Dennis Kucinich to shit on."

Lindsay Lohan was arrested Saturday on suspicion of driving under the influence of alcohol and cocaine after she crashed her Mercedes into a Sunset Boulevard curb. Not only does this mean that Lohan still struggles with substance abuse, it all but wrecks her chance to become Paris Hilton's designated driver.