Keggers Bend To Reason

Six Islamic militants were arrested early Tuesday on charges they plotted to attack the Fort Dix Army base and "kill as many soldiers as possible," federal authorities said. Army spokesman Cpt. Kurt Felder described the would-be attackers as "mentally unstable."

"I mean, these guys wanted to attack a military target," said Cpt. Felder. "How crazy is that?"

The Pentagon has notified more than 35,000 Army soldiers to be prepared to deploy to Iraq in the fall. The notification came in the form of a Clearing House Sweepstakes letter, promising each soldier a chance to claim valuable prizes, should he or she happen to physically or emotionally survive Iraq. As the letter puts it, "You have to be in hell to win!"

The ongoing troop surge has local TV news producers nationwide smiling. Fred Regis, a segment producer in Tallahassee, Florida, says, "We're looking at dozens of grieving family stories in time for Fall Sweeps. Loved ones cry, ad rates fly. Sweet."

The U.S. military is expecting troops to suffer heavier casualties as they push into "tougher neighborhoods" in Iraq. Marine Cpl. Jess Westen, now on his second tour of Iraq, asked a Reuters reporter, "Where the hell have we been fighting so far -- the suburbs?"

A new Save the Children report shows that Iraq's infant/child mortality rate has soared by 125 per cent in the past few years, the highest increase of any country in the world. While acknowledging the grim aspects of the study, a Bush administration official looked for a bright side. "Think of all those potential car bombers who've died as children," he said. "That's a few dozen future lives saved right there!"

Vice President Cheney embarked on a week-long mission to the Middle East. Mr. Cheney is planning to warn regional leaders that if they don't do more to help the cause in Iraq, the U.S. will continue to cut its own throat.

In an effort to make Queen Elizabeth feel more at home during her White House visit this week, President Bush hired a band to play Boots Randolph's "Yakety Sax" as the president performed his favorite Benny Hill gags on the alarmed and confused sovereign. The Queen later said that while she appreciated Mr. Bush's gesture, she prefers animal stories.

A college student opened fire at an apartment near the campus of California State University, Fresno, killing one person and wounding two others, police said Tuesday. One of the student's professors wasn't fooled. "This kid stabbed a few people last year in order to get out of taking his final. It didn't work then, and it won't work now."

Certain restaurants in Philadelphia will no longer serve customers who don't order in English. But, if the customer is a really hot looking woman, they may waive the No Shirt/No Shoes/No Service rule.

When news of the English-only policy spread across town, Philly native Tony Brunco told reporters, "It's abou' fuggin' dyme!"