Thursday, April 26, 2007

Home Of The Brave

Most Americans and a slim majority in Mexico want Osama bin Laden executed if caught, but most people in seven other countries would rather he spend life or many years in prison, according to a recent AP-Ipsos poll.

"The rest of the world are faggots," says Trent Mayler, 36, a banking executive in Lexington, Kentucky. "If it wasn't for America, Bin Laden would have the world wearing Arab dresses and taking it up the ass."

Such strong sentiments were echoed in many interviews conducted nationwide. Karla Bettle, a 27-year-old waitress from Santa Cruz, California, believes that the Al-Qaida leader should be tortured for weeks before being executed.

"He so deserves it," says Bettle. "I'd be all like 'Yeah, bitch! How you like this blade cutting off your balls, you camel eatin' mud house livin' motherfucker!' People like have no respect for Americans. Torturing his ass would show we mean what we say."

When told that a majority of Mexicans also want Bin Laden executed, Bettle added, "That's cool. But they still don't speak English and have chickens running around in their yards."

The interviews showed that the majority of Americans are content with killing Bin Laden through lethal injection, but there was also support for hanging him with an American flag noose, shooting him repeatedly with a machine gun until his arms and legs come off, disembowelment with a hunting knife dipped in poison, beating him to death with baseball bats like in the movie "Casino", being chopped into cubes and fed to starving wolves, and beheaded on camera by men wearing plastic George W. Bush masks.

"That would be sweet" says Daniel Spanglet, a 42-year-old contractor from Hershey, Pennsylvania. "And you could watch it over and over again on YouTube."

What should be done with Bin Laden's severed head?

"Shove it up Hillary Clinton's fat ass," chortled Spanglet. "Hell, she'd probably like it. Fuckin' dyke."