From Us To You

People Of Afghanistan:

We are very sorry for any civilian deaths we've caused in our effort to bring liberty and peace to your troubled country. Knowing that we may have blown your loved ones to bits bothers us more than we can express. Honestly, our heads hurt just thinking about it. But, sometimes doing good means that something bad will happen. What can you do?

Still, when you take the long view, this is all pretty much your fault. If you hadn't allowed the Taliban to run your country and harbor Osama bin Laden, none of this would be necessary. Trust us, the last place we would ever want to be is Afghanistan. No offense, but your country is pretty backward. Plus, a lot of your relatives and friends are trying to kill us. So you can see why this is no vacation at the beach for Americans.

However, we are here and will remain for the foreseeable future. This of course means that more civilians will be killed by our bombs, children among them, so you might as well get used to it. If you are personally affected by any of our bombing runs or missile strikes, several options are available to you:

1) Financial compensation. Now, it won't be a lot of money, but since you have so little to begin with, it will be like winning the lottery, which is a fun game we Americans play daily. Just don't spend it on weapons, or we'll have to kill you.

2) Free medicine. This may be more valuable than a straight pay-out, given all the diseases you people carry around with you. Think about it: what good is money if you're dead 20 minutes after you've cashed your check? If we were you, we'd take the medicine. We might even throw in some Lexapro, Paxil, or Effexor, because it must be depressing living like you do, if you can call it "living."

3) Hot food and clean water. This is probably right behind medicine in the "must have" department. We cannot guarantee that the food and water given to you will be completely free of hazardous bacteria, but your chances of contracting protozoal diarrhea will be considerably lessened. If you do get sick from anything we give you, we will not be held responsible. You can't get compensation for compensation. That would render the word meaningless. And besides, freedom is all about taking chances with the choices you make. Welcome to the modern world.

4) A three-day, two-night stay at the world-renowned Mustafa Hotel, located in the heart of Kabul. This is our Deluxe Package, complete with free room service, indoor plumbing, and actual floors. Those who've taken this offer loved it so much, they said they wish we would accidentally kill more of their relatives so they could stay there again. Try finding a better endorsement than that!

Those are your options, which is more than you had before we came to your country. Consider each carefully, and apologies in advance for bombing your home and/or your village.

Feel free to have this leaflet translated into Dari, Pashtu, or whatever it is you speak. We'd do it for you, but we've got enough going on as it is.