Friday, February 19, 2010

Blowing One's Stack

Joseph Stack was angry. We all get angry, sometimes intensely so, but Joseph Stack was truly fucking pissed. He talked to himself, mumbled "idiot" and "moron" countless times a day, randomly slapped his head, grimaced as if he were chewing glass. He was not a fun date and did not like to dance. He drank pickle brine from the jar. Joseph Stack had issues.

We now know how Joseph Stack silenced the noise in his brain. Not a terribly original idea, but one that still resonates with most Americans. Targeting the IRS also resonates with most Americans, though in a more popular way. But the IRS wasn't the only object of Joseph Stack's ire. He emailed various hit lists to professional peers and distant relatives, a few of which have surfaced. After reading them, one is left wondering, "Does satellite really have better HD than cable?"

McDonald's. Joseph Stack hated clowns and fast food, and thought corporate-financed obesity was the first step toward mainstream cannibalism. "Okay, Mr. Mayor McCheese Man, let's order something different; fry my Quarter Pounder of flesh, garnish my wages with lettuce and ketchup, and eat well."

The Post Office. Standing in line irked Joseph Stack. He also resented being asked if a package contained firearms or hazardous materials. "The definition of insanity is asking the same question over and over and expecting the answer to suddenly be different. I don't send biohazard by mail, but when I do, you'll be the first to know, Mr. Stamp Seller Man."

Playgrounds. Slides and swings drove Joseph Stack to the limit, gleeful laughter over it. "The cruel joke is that the really big kids at the top of the jungle gym have been laughing at fools like me all along. Well, Mr. Having Fun Man, let's play something different; ride my white elephant conundrum into a government building full of hypocrites and see where that gets you."

People In Public Talking On Their Bluetooth. Joseph Stack despised those who look like they're talking to themselves, but are actually taking a call. He felt this was another betrayal of one's personal voice. "It has always been a myth that people have stopped muttering for their freedom in this country, and it isn't limited to those with expense accounts. I choose not to pretend that I'm in my own world. Hey Mr. Yappy Earpiece Man, let's phone someone different; someone overseas during the day, when rates are at their self-serving highest."

Sleeping Zombies. Joseph Stack believed he was the last human on earth, surrounded by the snoring undead. "I can only hope that the American zombies wake up and begin to see the pompous political thugs and their mindless minions for what they are: zombies with government jobs. Violence not only is the answer, it is the only answer, like in the movies. So, Mr. Snoozy Flesh Eater Man, let's murder something different. Any suggestions?"

When the truth is found to be lies,
And all the joy within you dies.
Don't you want somebody to kill?
Don't you need somebody to kill?
Wouldn't you love somebody to kill?
You better find somebody to kill.