Monday, June 15, 2009

Break Your News

HOST: Welcome back. We've been discussing how Iran's voting fraud would never happen in a true democracy like ours -- or if it did, it would be a mistake, an error, some kind of oversight, the fault of a lower-level functionary, bitter about his or her place in life, looking to fix an election in a pathetic attempt to fix themselves.

GUEST: Right.

HOST: So, Carter, you see this fixed election as another step in Iran's ongoing quest to . . .

GUEST: Dominate the world.

HOST: The world?


HOST: I see. How exactly will this occur?

GUEST: It's already happening. It's all around us. LOOK -- RIGHT BEHIND YOU!

(Host jumps and screams)

GUEST: Ha ha. Gotcha!

HOST: Jeez! You really had me there!

GUEST: It's an old favorite.

HOST: And very funny!

GUEST: Yeah. But seriously, Iran is on the march.

HOST: Chilling. Now, how does Iran's reform movement recover from this rigged setback?

GUEST: Car bombs. And snipers. At least two dozen well-trained snipers.

HOST: So you feel that violent resistance is the next step?

GUEST: Oh yes. If the reformists can't get in through elections, they have no choice to but start killing people.

HOST: Isn't that a little extreme?

GUEST: How do you mean?

HOST: Well, unless the will of the Iranian people is behind them, any violent resistance is doomed to fail.

GUEST: What are you saying?

HOST: I'm saying that without mass support, armed insurrection has no chance.

GUEST: I'm not quite getting you . . .

HOST: You can't go around bombing and shooting people if there's no popular consensus for it.

GUEST: Sorry. There must be some kind of technical problem.

HOST: I can hear and see you fine.

GUEST: Anyway, car bombs, lots of snipers, pepper spray of course, nails sticking out of planks of wood . . .

HOST: Thanks for stopping by, Carter. Next -- how soon before North Korea poisons our frozen food? And later, a roundtable discussion about fire ants, the insect world's Al Qaeda.

GUEST: Gravel in a large sock -- ever get hit with that? Hurts like hell.