Monday, June 11, 2007

HuffPo: No! No!

Well, it didn't take long to find my Huffington Post parameters. This morning I was informed that the below post was inappropriate, since it's "not clearly satire." Personally, I don't know who would confuse it for a straight take on Iraq's ceaseless misery, but that's the fun of submitting your work to others -- they see it in completely different terms! That is, if they see it at all. So, it's back to the blank page for something more in tune with the HuffPo vibe. Until then, here it is, for what it's worth.

UPDATE: But before we get to the big laffs, HuffPo has been very nice about their rejection of this piece. Not their cup of Flavor Aid, it seems. I simply must take a different tone when dealing with these topics. They did run my "Sopranos" post, which is one of 378 posts there about the same thing. If only I can find a scratch 'n' sniff angle to make mine stand out more. Until then . . .


The New York Times reports that Iraqi college graduates are looking to flee their country just as soon as they can. As one departing student put it, “Staying here is like committing suicide.”

Now that's progress! Thanks to us, Iraqi college students not only can contemplate suicide just like American students, they have several options before them. Why swallow a handful of pills when you can just stand on a street corner and wait for the next car to explode?

Yes, it's another victory for sassy Lady Liberty.

And don't think that those uppity, elitist, secular college professors are getting off scot free. To date, over 200 Iraqi professors have been killed, with countless more kidnapped by various sectarian groups.

Education expert and finder-of-Islamocommie-bias David Horowitz hailed this turn of events in the snooty Iraqi academy.

"Professors who are out of touch with their students, or use their position to advance personal agendas, face immediate reprisals in Iraq," asserts Horowitz, picking at his scalp for lice. "If only we had that kind of accountability at Berkeley or Brow -- gotcha, you treasonous little bug! Say hello to my Freedom Crush!"

Like their American counterparts, Iraqi college students enjoy the recreational pastimes that come with higher education. One favorite is Spring Break The Country Into Warring Factions, where if you actually get out of Baghdad in one piece, you have to do a shot -- to the head.

"Under Saddam, if you kept to yourself and stuck to the books, you'd get a degree and perhaps a decent job, either in Iraq, or better, overseas," says Ibrahim Saleh al-Abdul while sweeping up shell casings near a university quad. "But today, anything's possible. You can begin the day majoring in science, and by lunchtime, pleading for your life on some jihadist website. In liberated Iraq, you are limited only to the degree that you are out-numbered or out-gunned."

Iraq's Class of '07 has set the bar high for those underclassmen who remain in school, or remain alive. And for those who are graduating from Babil University, just south of Baghdad, commencement brings a special treat: a send-off from Christopher Hitchens himself.

"I can't tell you how excited we are to have Mr. Hitchens speak at our graduation," exclaims Sabeen Shatah, straightening her new black veil. "Of course, he won't physically be here, and he sent a DVD of him on some American TV show, so he won't be speaking directly to us, either. But the fact that he took the time to mail the DVD means more than I can say. I just wish Mr. Hitchens were here so we could personally thank him for all he's done for Iraq!"

Another friend of Iraq, the pop star Kid Rock, recorded a special graduation song for Iraqi students: "Baghdad Bling (Rollin' In Da Green Zone)," which has enjoyed immense popularity.

"Get movin' before the bullets fly
And swing that bling, make jihadis cry
They can't hang wid Kid I-Rock
Coz I takes what's mines, barrel and stock
Punk ass Shiites and pussy Sunnis
Blast yore balls back to th' boonies
That's how Kid rolls when he's Iraq-in'
Baghdad bling for da awe and shockin'!"

"It's like Kid Rock has read our minds," says Kahil el-Jabir, a former pharmacy student turned professional knife sharpener. "It's amazing how well you Americans know us!"

Amazing? Not really. We simply understand the universal desire for freedom and know how to make it happen. Consider it another graduation gift, Iraq Class of 2007! The party's only just begun . . .