Though billed as a comedy show, last week's Tomorrow!, hosted by Ron Lynch and Frank Conniff, offered me a chance to test the political waters. The audience reacted favorably, which warmed me, until I reread my presidential promises. Take the blue pill, America. It's your only hope.
I will accept all types of contributions, payoffs, bribes, soft money, absorbent dollars, flying bundles of cash, and anything the Chinese throw in, just as our Founders intended.
Most running mates are seen but offer little. My running mate will be invisible and will chase me around the Oval Office with an ax. Just to keep me honest.
I will not invade Iran. But I will tease it to the point of insanity, then bomb it in self-defense.
I will turn the Federal Reserve into a water slide park and launder our money in urine-clouded pools of chlorine.
I will imprison three judges on the Supreme Court, but won't say which ones, just to fuck with their heads.
I will support the death penalty in cases too complicated to figure out, so juries won't miss The Big Bang Theory.
Torture will be used only when I'm drunk, which is at least six hours a day.
I will not only support gay marriage, but make it mandatory for all domestic pets.
Health care will be a right, not a privilege. Except for those who are sick.
Evolution will be taught in religious schools, creationism in public schools, while I sit back with a cold one, laughing at the results.
As for immigration, citizenship will be decided through competitive eating contests, the winners of which get to stay and clean up the mess.
Like my opponents I will expand domestic surveillance. But unlike them, I'll leave a chocolate mint on every pillow.
Under my administration, I will end hunger with a new program called Ass To Mouth.
I will boost employment by letting companies harvest employee organs, so long as there's a profit sharing plan.
As always, religion will be used to keep poor people under control. And if that doesn't work, there's always SWAT.
Drugs will be decriminalized until I make a healthy return on my investments, then will be illegal again.
Birth control will be encouraged, especially among the grotesque.
I believe today's youth are America's future, which is why I will govern from Cabo.
I will defeat terrorism overseas and keep it where it belongs -- in the United States.
And each month, I will rip the still-beating heart from the chest of a Wall Street broker and offer it to our Sun God Huitzilopochtli, from whom this great nation derives its strength.
I'm not liberal. Nor conservative. Nor monarchist, Phalangist, Scientologist, Botanist, Borg or Klingon.
I am Dennis "BOO YEAH!" Perrin. America's next savior. Bow before me, or at least buy me a beer.
God bless you all.