Golden Shower

Bad boy comic Ricky Gervais took no prisoners at the Golden Globes Sunday night, and Hollywood's still reeling.

"I questioned my own mortality," quipped Steven Spielberg.

"He's white phosphorus in black tie," added Anne Hathaway.

"I fell off the wagon immediately," said Robert Downey Jr. between Meth hits. "He's that good."

Truly, Ricky Gervais reigns as Tinseltown's Sadist of Ceremonies. But despite the stings, slights, slams, jabs, stabs, tweaks, fleeks, dreebs, crogs, and character assassination, Gervais actually withheld harsher fire.

"It could have been much worse," confessed RG's nutritionist. "I have no idea why I'm sharing this with you, but here are some of Ricky's notes. He loves to write while taking a dump. Promise to give them back?"

Promise.

"Tonight we honor Hollywood's elite. Or as some people call it, Jared Loughner's Bucket List."

"Remember Scientologists -- Justin Bieber's a minor. So no sex after 11 PM."

"Scott Caan's hair still has his Dad's jizz from a Playboy party in 1974."

"January is Hollywood's traditional dump month. Or as we call it in England, Judi Dench."

"Natalie Portman was born in Israel. So if she wins, we'll know it's stolen."

"Colin Firth is nominated for a character with a speech impediment. Funny -- when he was sucking my dick, I understood every word."

"Thank you Alec Baldwin for being fatter than me."

"Laura Linney's nominated for The Big C, which made sense to me until I learned that the C stands for cancer."

"Steve Buscemi looks like my balls covered in shit."

"Give a big hand to Michael Douglas! After all you've been through, it's inspiring that you still swallow."

Toward the back of his notebook, Gervais scribbled random observations.

"Life remains a lie. Yay me!"

"You'd think these twats would catch on. God how I fucking hate them."

"If I had any guts, I'd spray the room with a Glock. But the money's too good."

"Series about a rageaholic actor who's better than everyone else. See if I'm available."

"Who's reading this?"