Where The Cobwebs Dance

Dug through some files last night and found a few old bits I wish to share. The Top Ten lists are from my Letterman submission in 1995. The jokes are from my time with Bill Maher, some of which were used, the rest flung back in my face with unbridled contempt. Comedy is a fun place.

TOP TEN DISCOUNT WINES

10. Mr. Bubble Champagne
9. Extra Crispy Chardonnay
8. I Sing, You Sing, We All Sing For Riesling
7. Honey Roasted Pinot Noir
6. Beach Blanket Burgundy
5. Cabernet of Dr. Caligari
4. Waiting For Merlot
3. Assy Spewmanti
2. Toxic Fume Blanc
1. Pete Rosé

TOP TEN TOBACCO COMPANY REASONS TO SMOKE

10. Mentholated lungs needed for life in 21st century
9. Asian countries ahead in tar accumulation: Wake up America!
8. "What's the matter kid -- you yellow or somethin'?"
7. Like gray hair, wheezing is a sign of distinction
6. Shouldn't deprive second-hand smokers their rights
5. Babe Ruth smoked and he's in baseball's Hall of Fame
4. Without us, the Surgeon General ain't dick
3. "Carbon monoxide never tasted so smooth"
2. Cigarettes better appetite suppressant than Slim Fast
1. "A camp fire for your mouth"

TOP TEN SIGNS THAT DISNEY WILL SOON RULE THE WORLD

10. Armed park mascots herd tourists into amusement camps
9. Aladdin's Genie turns UN delegates into strange bird creatures
8. Minnie changes her name to "Ilsa, She-Mouse of Orlando"
7. Dumbo leads aerial assaults on helpless civilians
6. The Lion Führer
5. Mouse ear helmets distributed to Disney Youth
4. Goof Troop now Goof Gestapo
3. 101 German Shepherds
2. Michael Eisner and Michael Ovitz merge, become Michael Maus
1. Pinocchio kicks ass and takes names!

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Adjusting to the American market, the makers of RU-486 have produced a new pill. It not only induces a first-trimester abortion, it relieves sinus congestion for up to 18 hours.

Lawyers for accused child killer Susan Smith say they will proceed with an insanity defense. But you have to wonder: Is a mother truly insane when she insists that her children wear seatbelts?

Mike Tyson was released from prison after serving a three-year sentence for rape. When asked for his plans, Tyson, who is now a devout Muslim, said he'll either fight Riddick Bowe, or kill Salman Rushdie.

Dan Quayle is in the hospital with a blood clot on his lung. An ardent pro-lifer, Quayle refuses to have the clot removed because he believes that life begins at coagulation.

The NRA, responding to the rise in abortion clinic shootings, maintains that guns don't kill people, people who think they're Jesus Christ kill people.

The push to privatize PBS continues. Republicans want to change the network's slogan from "You are the public in public television" to "Trespassers will be shot."

A new Vogue magazine poll shows that fashion models are getting smarter. Of 100 models surveyed, only 44 percent described the sun as "that shiny thing you get a tan from."

Anti-abortion leaders unveiled their new mascot, Freddy the Fetus, who tells pregnant women, "Give a hoot or I'll have to shoot."

R.J Reynolds has developed a new cigarette that guarantees not only smoking without smoke, but cancer without coughing.

Republicans are calling for a Congressional vote allowing voluntary school prayer. If the measure passes, the GOP will push for voluntary school snake handling.