Monday, May 11, 2009

He Only Bombs Overseas

It was the hottest ticket in town, a black-tie dinner gathering of Washington's political and media elite, Hollywood players, pop stars, porn stars, corporate lawyers, prostitutes, mercenaries and hired assassins, mouthpieces, sycophants, and a few common citizens kept in a cage near the back.

But Dick Cheney couldn't make it.

The former vice president was busy, President Barack Obama joked, working on his memoir "tentatively titled, How to Shoot Friends and Interrogate People, or Setting The Table For The Next President."

"I can't wait to read it," added Obama, "though I feel I already know the story."

As the star attraction of Saturday night's star-studded annual White House Correspondents' Association dinner, Obama enjoyed poking fun at his critics and the Republican Party, while playfully reminding everyone who currently holds state power, at times punctuating a punch line with a long silent stare, or cackling with his head thrown back, his throat expanding in near-reptilian fashion.

Looking out on the crowd of 3,000, Obama declared: "Most of you covered me. All of you voted for me. How do I know?" The president winked and held up a briefing book. "Intelligence."

The president also spoofed his chief of staff Rahm Emanuel, who, Obama observed, always has a hard time on Mother's Day.

"She wanted Rahm to be an Israeli Prime Minister," Obama said. "She was deeply disappointed and has refused to speak to him for years. So Mother's Day is always hard on Rahm."

Republican National Committee chairman Michael Steele was "in the house tonight," Obama noted. "Or as he would say, 'In the servant's quarters.'"

"Michael for the last time, the Republican Party does not qualify for a bailout," Obama told Steele. "But I'll implement many of your policies anyway, giving them the O Touch." The president twirled his left index finger, making "Ssssssssssst" sounds as the audience fell over, spitting out their dessert coffee.

The president was the night's big draw, but not the only comedian.

Comic actress Wanda Sykes, the dinner's entertainer, said to Obama, “This is amazing. The First Black President – I know you’re mocha – but the First Motherfucking Black President! That’s unless you screw up. Then it’s going to be, 'Fuck that Oreo sell-out wannabe! Tap dancin' bug-eyed chicken-eatin' cocksucker!'"

"Mr. President," Sykes continued, "you've had your fair share of critics. Rush Limbaugh is one of your big critics. Rush Limbaugh said he hopes this administration fails. So he's saying, ‘I hope America fails.’ He's like, ‘I don’t care about people losing their homes, their jobs or our soldiers in Iraq.’ He just wants our country to fail."

"To me, that’s treason. Seriously. This ain't no joke, now. Rush is as bad as Osama bin Laden, and we wanna kill that camel fucker, right? So why you puttin' up with his shit, Mr. President? Huh? Fuck that Oxycontin-poppin' motherfucker! You need to waterboard his fat cracker ass, then throw him in prison and let him get raped! Or are you a pussy, Mr. President? Rush's bitch?"

There was moment of stunned silence, then a cascade of laughter and applause. To many, it was the line of the night.

Veteran comic Richard Belzer watched the proceedings with a gleam on his face. "This is one of the greatest moments of my life," Belzer gushed. "Real rock star elegance. Cool has returned to Washington." Belzer looked both ways, unzipped his pants, pulled out his penis, and stuck it in a punch bowl.

"Ring-a-ding-ding" said Belzer with a grin.