Coming Afflictions

That 70's Flu is back and crazier than ever, joined by Michael Jackson's 80's surgical mask look. And while people are panicked, expecting the worse, screaming and waving their arms, throwing supermarket pork into canals while burning DVDs of "Babe," stronger, deadlier viruses are on their way. And there's no stopping them. Don't even think about it. Seriously. Enjoy what time you have left.

AZTEC WHIRLWIND: Sweet Jesus. This is one nasty sumbitch, and bleeding armpits are the least of it. By week three, everything appears covered in lanolin as your head throbs like a strobe light at a gay disco, circa 1978. Then you can't walk. Then you can. Then bursitis sets in. Brutal.

KITTEN'S PAW: Don't be fooled by the name -- this virus will make you wish that a worse virus kills you, just to end the suffering. Avoid standing water and oat-based products. Pack a toothbrush. Try not to drool when unconscious. And for God's sake, would it kill you to wash your hair? Oh, right. It probably would.

LADDER INTO HELL: If only. By the time the first symptoms appear, your genitals will have turned into a rogue state, issuing crazy statements at the UN while silently backing retail terror financed by drug cartels and the country music industry. Good luck finding pants that fit.

COTTON COMES TO HARLEM: Classic 1970 film starring Godfrey Cambridge and Redd Foxx. From the Chester Himes novel, directed by Ossie Davis. "Two detectives only a mother could love" boasts the movie's poster. No kidding!

MOZART'S REVENGE: How this killer virus got its name remains a mystery, since the symptoms have nothing to do with Mozart, Salieri, 18th century Vienna, requiem masses, or Tom Hulce. But you will experience high fever, blistering rashes, blindness, gangrene, and the feeling that you never received unconditional love, that every relationship had a price tag attached. Then you drown in your own waste.

HOPEFLUENZA: This deadly strain has already infected large parts of the United States, killing minds and reasoning at various levels of society. Attempts to counter or limit the virus are largely useless as it quickly mutates and regenerates in reaction to social/political conditions. Symptoms include empty smiles, servility, belief in fantasy notions, double standards, and voting Democratic.