Forgive And Cash In

Michael Phelps' full confession:

“I engaged in behavior which was regrettable and demonstrated bad judgment. I’m 23 years old and despite the successes I’ve had in the pool, I acted in a youthful and inappropriate way, not in a manner people have come to expect from me. For this, I am sorry. I promise my fans and the public it will not happen again.

"I've come to see how immoral marijuana truly is. Next to flag burning, it is without doubt the biggest corrupter of American youth today. When you smoke marijuana, you're telling the world that you hate America. I'm a proud American. Therefore, I renounce this demonic drug, this gateway to crystal meth and selling your body for heroin on the bad side of town. I will never, never, ever smoke it again. I won't even look at pictures of marijuana. That's a gold medal guarantee.

"Marijuana is used to finance our terrorist enemies. It is well known that the 9/11 hijackers were all stoned when they committed their acts of evil. Smoking marijuana makes Osama bin-Laden smile. It tells Iran, 'Go ahead and build a nuclear bomb.' It tells Hamas, "Keep shooting your rockets of death. We don't care so long as we can get baked.'

"I'd like to apologize to President Obama, the First Lady, and their two lovely daughters. I'm also sorry to God, Jesus, whoever the Jews pray to, and those Muslims who are one hundred percent pro-American and know their place in this great land. This also goes for those weird religions where they shave their heads, pray to rocks, and never use their kung fu unless absolutely necessary. In addition, I've sent a personal note of contrition to the Church of Scientology, and I want to thank them for the cool t-shirt.

"I hope to put this tragic, criminal lapse of judgment behind me. I look forward to a clean and sober relationship with Omega watchmakers, Speedo, Human Performance Labs, and the Hilton Hotels Corporation. And I promise never to have sex with Paris Hilton when there are cameras or cell phones in the room. Thank you, and God Bless America."