Thursday, August 30, 2007

Savior Of The Men's Room

Somewhere, in the bowels of MSNBC, Tucker Carlson explains his interviewing technique to a pair of female interns.

CARLSON: So then I said, Senator Clinton, if I want to know about the women's vote, I'll ask one.

INTERN 1: (chuckles) I get it. 'Cause Hillary's ugly and looks like a man.

INTERN 2: Yeah, and she talks like a man, too, like most lesbians.

INTERN 1: Gosh, Mr. Carlson, it's no wonder why you're one of the hotter cable news personalities!

CARLSON: Now, girls, take it easy. Remember, I'm married.

INTERN 2: Yeah -- married to funny!


INTERN 1: What's that?

CARLSON: Err, umm, it's a special MSNBC inner-office cell. Probably Scarborough, looking for an opening to his show.

INTERN 1: You help him and do your own show? Wow! You're really amazing!

CARLSON: Yeah. Uh, excuse me, ladies.

Carlson finds an empty office, closes the door, and takes the call.

CARLSON: Yes commissioner?

POLICE COMMISSIONER: Straight Man! Thank God I found you. We have an emergency situation at a men's room next to the Bissell Park soccer field. Looks like Leather Chap's back in town.

CARLSON: Up to his old tricks, eh? Well, it's time to flush that fruit once and for all.

PC: Are you familiar with that men's room?

CARLSON: Yes. It's the same place where cable news celebrity Tucker Carlson takes his son.

PC: Good Lord!

CARLSON: No need to panic, commissioner. I'll handle it. Better send along a SWAT team for support, just in case it gets messy.

PC: Anything you want, Straight Man!

CARLSON: Good. I'm off!

Within seconds, Tucker Carlson sheds his news persona and changes into the one and only, Straight Man! When he arrives at the park's public men's room, he sees two boys sobbing outside.

STRAIGHT MAN: Say there, fellas! Why the waterworks?

BOY 1: There's a weird guy in there, Straight Man! He looked at me funny.

BOY 2: He offered us mints!

SM: Mints?! In a men's room?! Stand back, boys -- I got this covered.

Straight Man enters the bathroom and immediately spots Leather Chap, a devious homosexual who wears nothing but black leather and sports a thick, handlebar moustache.

LEATHER CHAP: Be still, my fragile heart! Are you my caped crusader?

SM: The only crusade you'll see is a crusade of hetero-justice!

LC: Always the drama queen, Straight Boy. Why don't you relax, come over here, and let me "bother" you for awhile.

SM: I have a better idea. How about I smash your head into the wall!

Straight Man grabs Leather Chap by the neck and repeatedly drives his head into the tile wall until the queer menace falls to his knees, semi-conscious. Suddenly, three SWAT officers burst through the men's room door, weapons trained on Leather Chap.

SM: You're just in time, men! I've done the hard scrubbing, so why don't you mop this mess up!

OFFICER 1: It'll be a pleasure, Straight Man. All right, pervo -- let's go.

LC: (angrily coming to) I'll swing you yet, Straight Man! You hear me! Swing! Swing!

SM: Sell it in the prison shower, Chappie.

Straight Man emerges from the men's room, triumphant.

BOY 2: Thanks, Straight Man! You made it safe to poop again!

SM: Just doing my job, son. But remember: there's nothing wrong with homosexuality, just so long as it's practiced behind a locked door in a sound-proof, windowless room.

BOYS: (in unison) Yaaay!

What further challenges face our hero -- The Urinator? Seat Cover Slim? Porcelain Bus Driver? Whatever the men's room threat, Straight Man will be there to keep the innocent from being bothered. And now, this . . .