Perrin's Spandex

For those who missed it over at Jon Schwarz's place (and thanks to Jon for his help during this very trying time), here's my homage, if you will, to the Harper's Index.

Percentage of Americans who can't spell "Iraq" even if it's spelled out on paper for them: 23

Percentage of Americans who can't spell "Iraq" even if they've been given a CD that tells them in a very slow and deliberate manner how to spell "Iraq" over and over again, and they have a week to listen to the CD: 17

Percentage of Americans who think that beheading is a form of oral sex: 29

Estimated percentage of Americans who masturbate while operating heavy machinery: 37

Number of cow assholes in every can of beef vegetable soup: 2

Number of human assholes at a Tim McGraw concert: 3,577

Percentage of liberal bloggers who would actually eat shit if the Democratic Party asked them to for the sake of winning elections: 42

Percentage of conservative bloggers who would fellate a syphilitic chimpanzee if it would make more people respect the American flag: 66

Number of rodeo clowns who reported having "anger management" problems in 1983: 19

Number in 2002: 51

Chance that a person will encounter a leprechaun while digging for worms: 1 in 2,892,673

Chance that a person will encounter Paris Hilton while having anonymous sex: 1 in 5

Average monthly cost to keep from learning anything new: $73

Estimated annual cost of not knowing how much it costs per month to keep from learning anything new: $347

Number of Americans who reported being raped by an angel in 2004: 482

Number of angels who denied raping Americans in 2004: 271

Number of licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop: 3