Monday, April 23, 2007

Full Coverage

"And we're back, with more about the secret, strange, sad, twisted life of Cho Seung-Hui, or Seung-Hui Cho, we're not quite sure. But how ever you say it, it still comes out crazy."

"Right you are, Jen. That boy was one sick puppy."

"Clearly insane. No doubt about it."

"Insane, but dead."

"Oh yes -- clearly dead as well. But insane before he died."


"Anyway, our next guest has some exclusive information about Cho's inner-hell before he decided, for whatever strange reason, to spread hell on earth. Randy Sesert is an expert on what drives young men to do crazy things. Welcome, Randy."


"Randy, you have some stunning information about Cho's masturbation habits, correct?"

"That's correct. I've interviewed some non-crazy young men who were witnesses to what stimulated Cho sexually."

"And what did Cho find sexually stimulating?"

"Beheading videos from Iraq."

"Wow. That's pretty stunning."

"Yes, it is. Cho apparently would masturbate to video images of Western hostages having their heads sawed off by Islamic militants in ski masks."

"Hi Randy. Steve here. Did Cho masturbate to completion?"

"Yes he did. Very often, in fact."


"Excuse me, Randy, Steve. I hate to interrupt, but we have new footage of Virginia Tech students grieving."

"There still appears to be a lot of grief in Blacksburg."

"Lots of grief and grieving. No doubt about it, Jen."

"Let's get back to Randy. What else did Cho masturbate to?"

"Various things. Slaughterhouse footage. Old 'Faces of Death' movies. Insects eating each other. Elderly porn."

"Elderly porn?"

"Yes -- pornography featuring women over the age of 60. Apparently, Cho hoped that some of the women would die while having sex with men 30 to 40 years younger than them."

"Randy, Steve again."


"Hi. Is it me, or had any of the older women actually died while having sex on camera, the film wouldn't be released? There are laws against that, I believe."

"Yes there are, and you're right, Steve -- if an elderly porn actress died on camera, the film would not be released. But then, we're talking about a crazy person here."

"Yes. Cho was certainly crazy."

"Really crazy."

"Quite nuts, when you get right down to it."

"Pardon me, gentlemen, but we just received some more grieving footage, this time of a young dog named Daisy."

"And of course, Daisy's wearing a Virginia Tech football jersey in support of the humans grieving around her."

"That's one brave dog, Jen."

"I'll say, Steve. Man's best friend steps up once again."

"She's so cute."

"And not a sick puppy."

"Oh, definitely not a sick puppy. Not like Cho."

"Not even close."