As "Mad Men" fans salivate while awaiting the third season premiere (my mouth is moist as well), it's time to address a subplot that's been brewing since Show One.
Betty Draper's hidden pill addiction?
Roger Sterling's monogrammed cock ring collection?
Peggy Olson's taste for puppy flesh?
It's time to acknowledge what's been staring us in the face from the beginning: Don Draper's homosexuality.
Now, most of you are saying, "Um, excuse me! Isn't Sal Romano the closeted gay character?"
Well, that's what Matthew Weiner and his writers want you to think. And you fell for it -- all of you. You should be embarrassed. I'm embarrassed for you.
Had you been paying attention, you would've noticed Don's queer side long ago. Consider the facts.
1). Don is beautiful. Too beautiful to be straight. Just look at this guy!
No nellie, he. Very Cary Grant or Rock Hudson. Need I elaborate?
2). Don's utter contempt for women. He's a complete misogynist. His era's social/sexual restrictions fill Don with primal fury which he unleashes on whomever he happens to be fucking. Betty is a beard, which explains her depressive anger. The lone exception is Anna Draper, Don's fictional ex-wife who serves as a mother figure. And gay men love their mothers, as any queer expert can tell you.
But wait, you yelp: doesn't Don like Peggy? Not really. He promoted her to piss off Pete Campbell. That she blossomed as a copywriter is a bonus. Plus, Don thinks Peggy is a dyke. In the early sixties, closeted gays stuck together. So Peggy doesn't count.
3). Don's ability to make straight men want him. Not every gay man can swing this, but Don does it with ease. Pete Campbell is clearly in love with Don, and would take it up the ass with a smile and a "Yes sir!" Knowing this, Don teases Pete, slaps him around like a whiny, pasty, nerdy catnip mouse. Just when Pete thinks that his love will be reciprocated, Don slams him back to the ground. Tops can be so brutal.
4). Don's real name is Dick. Enough said.
5). Dick Whitman is essentially wearing the skin of the deceased Don Draper. Kinda like Buffalo Bill in "Silence Of The Lambs," only much gayer.
5). Don's always well dressed, regardless of his surroundings. No straight guy tucks in his shirt on weekends. An obvious sign most people have missed.
6). Don has never fucked, or tried to fuck, Joan Holloway.
FWEEP! FWEEP! FWEEP!
That's the queer siren going off. You think that Joan doesn't want Don? Please. She'd be a bigger Don whore than Pete Campbell. I mean, Joan fucked that pretentious dweeb Paul Kinsey. And she's engaged to Dr. Rape, or whatever his name is. Don would be heaven for Joan. But Don hasn't lifted a finger. He doesn't even check out Joan as she sashays down the hallway.
If that's not gay, I don't know what is.
Will Weiner and company develop this subplot this season? We'll see. Personally, I'd save Don's coming out for the Stonewall riots. Imagine him in leather kicking ass. Can you say hot? Bring on the seventies!