Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Freedom At Point Zero

John McCain is suffering from a cancerous growth on his right side, says a medical adviser to his campaign. Numerous attempts to have the tumor removed have been unsuccessful, and it is feared that if elected, McCain will carry the cancer well into his first term.

Democratic leaders Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi, looking to inject a little fun into the ongoing financial meltdown, force struggling homeowners to guess which Senator is holding token foreclosure assistance.

Not to be outdone, Sarah Palin plays a rousing game of "Who Wants Some Insulin?" at a Diabetic Patriots For McCain rally.

Always the straight shooter, Joe Biden informs suffering consumers that he has nothing for them, apart from his undying contempt for their very existence.

Preparing for the possibility that he may lose the election, Barack Obama helps liberal followers rehearse what campaign aides are calling "The People's Temple Option," which guarantees no post-election hangover.

While campaigning for McCain, Rudy Giuliani reminds the public that he is a complete and utter asshole.

In a desperate attempt to make older white voters more comfortable with his candidacy, Barack Obama has begun imitating Sammy Davis, Jr. Here he sings "I've Got To Be Me" at the annual Frank Sinatra Scungilli Bake Off.

Unmoved by Obama's act, these McCain supporters say they prefer Trace Adkins.

No matter who wins the election, Obama and McCain both insist that they share the same view of the American public.