Thursday, November 1, 2007

The Vastness Of Whatever

Thanks to an old self-hypnosis tape I found in my cluttered basement ("Digging Through Your Psyche with Joe Garagiola"), I'm able to partially recover a few more online threats to my personal safety.

One time, I think it was late afternoon (the light was dim), I was arguing about the origins of the Civil War at the Blue & Gray discussion list, when some jerk kept telling me that Lincoln waged the war to free the slaves and preserve his future place on the penny and five dollar bill. After I informed him that the North had no intention of allowing an independent South, due to expansionist desires and the need to establish a single currency for monopolistic capital, this dick said that he would find me, and when he did, he'd stick a laminated copy of the Emancipation Proclamation up my ass. Needless to say, I logged off immediately.

Then there was the time -- oh, let's see, was it four years ago? -- yeah, I believe four years ago, I was having a nice give-and-take with a few people at a "Mannix" listserv, when suddenly some asshole came on and insisted that the "Mannix" theme had lyrics and was sung by Shirley Bassey. Clearly, this rube was out of his mind, as I gently but firmly told him. The dweeb got so upset that he claimed he was gonna strangle his cat, then take the tabby's corpse and shove it up my ass. I clicked directly to a glory hole porn site, just to cover my tracks.

Another time, maybe a couple years back, I pretended that I was a right wing Hollywood celebrity on some geekoid conservative movie site, and I went on and on about the secret sex perversions of the top liberal stars, and these nutjobs ate it up, adding their own fantasies. After a while, the talk grew progressively stranger and more violent, and finally I confessed that I made the whole thing up, that I was just some guy having fun. Six of these rock-heads promised to track me down and gang rape me repeatedly in the ass, but became so turned on by each other's threats, they forgot about me enitrely and began exchanging e-mail addresses.

Yeah, I'm pretty sure that's how it went.